in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
