I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I need to wash the frat house off of me
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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