oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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