Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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