Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
