apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
True college students do jello shots in the library
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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