When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
