my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Oh god it's open bar.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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