can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
