Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize