it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
