I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
