I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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