I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
