So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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