She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
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3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
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I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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