i would punch a child for taco bell
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
