Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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