So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
