Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
