Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Buhtt sex?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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