Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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