im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
