you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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