All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he thought i was a dude.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
