Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
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Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
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Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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