Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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