dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
His nipple licking is glorious
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