Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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