So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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