you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
