Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
