Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
