he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
