The police scanner is talking about you again....
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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