Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
