You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize