I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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