this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
