I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
