i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i think i have two assholes
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
