Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
