Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Everclear isn't food dammit
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
