just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
