Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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