I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
