the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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