Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
