Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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