Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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