She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
