Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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