I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
