Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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