Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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