the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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