I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
